Push Button Immortality

Not a night for love.

2007-05-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

One and a half years. I had the most beautiful time in my life. Now it's no more. This is not a night for love.

Miguel Street

2007-05-11T05:23:00.000-07:00

Please close your eyes and let me lead you
To Miguel Street.
Ah, what a place!
Ah, how the heart aches to see something as beautiful.
Close your eyes and walk with me
Through Miguel street.

This huge mansion here, do you see it?
Here lives Mr. Auburgne
He has a grand car, a grand life
You know the usual grandstand.
His wife doesn’t live here anymore,
He killed her because she kissed another man.
Then, he planted an orange tree in his yard
Which would take her place in his life forever.
Now Mr. Auburgne is dying,
The orange tree
Looks worn and tired
And droops its head in pain.

Now watch the birds fly,
Like oscillating pendulums
They travel to this part of the country
And away again.
They are like nature’s grandfather clock,
Measuring time by the season.

Now look at the pavement,
There dwells Gruff the surrealist.
He paints moustaches with hair cream
And stones with water,
Time with air,
And Love with pine leaves.

Oh there’s little Jeremy,
He walks on the stony cobbled street all day
Prodding his little stick at every secret corner
That waits between two shrubs.
Jeremy likes to search for treasures, he do.
Jeremy, Jeremy,
The treasure’s in your head my little man.

Oh, hello!
That’s the widow
Rosemary,
Look at how her eyes shine with lust
As she waits on her doorstep
For another of that who left her a long time ago.
Dark and scary,
The wind was airy
And her hair floated in it.
Rosemary, Rosemary,
How she dances
To the tune of the storm,
How she laughs
And how she beckons!
Her smile is devilishly seductive.
Do you want to be her husband for tonight my love?
I’ll wait here then and practice
My frighteningly maniacal laughter.

That is he, yes
Those beautiful eyes
Cannot be anyone else but him.
Meet Joanne the baker,
He makes the best chocolate
On this side of the tumbling whirlpool.
Joanne, you are a man
Or are you?
You weren’t one when we made love
By the river.
But times change, and so do people.
Oh he is fashionably lean,
But he wears loose clothes.
Joanne, lose your moustache baby
And lets go to the river.

Goodbye my love
This is where I take my leave.
I hope you had a nice time,
Do come back to visit again.

2007-04-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Please believe me
The river told me
Very softly
Want you to hold me, ooo
Free fall flow, river flow
On and on it goes
Breathe under water 'till the end
Free fall flow, river flow
On and on it goes
Breathe under water 'till the end
Yes, the river knows
Please believe me
If you don't need me
I'm going, but I need a little time
I promised I would drown myself in mysticated wine
Please believe me
The river told me
Very softly
Want you to hold me, ooo
I'm going, but I need a little time
I promised I would drown myself in mysticated wine
Free fall flow, river flow
On and on it goes
Breathe under water 'till the end
Free fall flow, river flow
On and on it goes
Breathe under water 'till the end

2007-04-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Mr. Dutta's wonderful scooter

2007-04-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

Goodmorning Mr. Dutta
I love the way you ride your scooter sir.
Oh that's a wonderful machine, his scooter
See through, baby-blue.

Like a crow he flies, through the deserted streets of Maniktola
On his little scooter.
Time was liquid, and the light a calmer shade of yellow
As Mr. Dutta flew in his scooter.

Oh, the wheels barely touched the ground;
As Mr. Dutta, searching for a love lost
Flew past in his scooter.

She had touched his face and kissed his lips gently
As he slept in a night so dark, that the stars shone like diamonds.
Her chiffon veil had caressed his face for the last time
As she turned her face away.
Her hair had floated in the wind as if they were unwilling to leave.
But leave did she,
While Mr. Dutta lay in a star-washed slumber.

Wake up Mr. Dutta, your love flees
The summer flowers will never feel as fragrant against your skin
Wake up Mr. Dutta, your love escapes
Ride your flying scooter, oh Zeus born in a mistaken time.

Mr. Dutta, Mr. Dutta
How fast he flies
On his wonderful scooter,
See through baby-blue.

I miss home

2007-04-18T05:16:00.000-07:00

Makes me want to cry

Free again

2007-04-18T04:56:00.000-07:00

I took seventeen colours from the ocean
and mixed them in my diamond eyes
swirling, twirling, my peacock paradise.

---

I was there the day Bop grew wings,
He flew like a rocket, floated like a feather
Tiddly pom, diddly thether.

---

Untitled...as of now

2007-03-28T08:16:00.001-07:00

I woke up,
I opened my eyes
Layers upon layers of dreams
Faded in the pitch black of my mind.
My father, I saw him,
Smiling down at my reclined body,
“Wake up son, its morning already”.
I felt the cold touch of his gun on my temple,
“As the sun rises, my son
cleansing the spirit of this world
So must I, cleanse yours.
My son, be reborn.”

I half heard the friction of metal with metal,
And in my eyes a black sun growing smaller
I felt a moment of indecision,
A moment of confusion
Where I was going, what was to become of me
I had no idea, and I was afraid.

I saw around me a group of people
Stomping their feet, grinning devilish grins
Pointing at me, touching me in places they ought not to.
They screamed my name, over and over again,
And with time their dance grew faster
And their chanting louder,
“What Goddess, what goddess?”,
They laughed like huge gongs on the top of a mountain.
“Let us rip the horse’s eyes!”.

The trumpets blew, and the drums beat
All the circus animals marched
And slid and slipped on a crescent moon.
Flying banners, wobbly tents, happy music
I saw and heard.

Then I saw my best friend of eighteen years,
It’s a pity I didn’t know his name
He nodded and laughed at me,
He held my hands, and we danced in circles
Around a great sparkling fire
“This is she” we chanted and exhaled,
Chanted and exhaled…
“This is she!”
“This is she?”
We sang happy songs, and floated around
On lonely beaches.
We had no wisdom, only words
We couldn’t predict the future
But we could translate the past.

“Children are insane”, my friend said,
“Decidedly, they are”, I replied
“Let us be children then, my love”.
I laughed a maniacal laughter and
Clawed at his breast.
He laughed back, his hair floating in the wind
Like a ship’s sail on a breezy night.
“My friend, will you hold my hand again when I am sixty three?”
He asked,
“Probably. If I live that long”
And we burst into laughter.

We smeared ourselves with colours
That we borrowed from the starry night sky
And we played among the trees.
With our eyes we painted a huge blue-black ocean
And a brown ship.

“We’ve built a ship,
Rum pum pum.
A lovely brown ship,
Rum pum pum.
It’s a bit watery, but hey!
Rum pum pum,
We’ve built a ship
Rum pum pum.”, we sang out loud.

We touched the tips of our little straw hats,
We skipped a skip and
Danced a dance in the water
Around our lovely brown ship.

“Let us find some oysters,
And we can play in the mud later
And get our pants dirty”, I said.
“Yes let us!” my friend said.
We smiled that devilish grin
And our eyes twinkled that bright colour
That propriety did not allow.

“Let there not be a single person in this world
Who can tell us not to look out of windows
Let there be no one who can tell us
That we are not Pirates or Indians,
Or anything else interesting.
Let no one say that hidden treasures do not exist
Or that we should not dream about starry nights.”

“Yes let us cease worrying about grammar
And other inconsequential things
Like names and dates and time.
Let us call anything by anything we like,
And let us measure time by the frequency of our tears”, I said.
“Then my friend, not a day shall pass”, he laughed.

Moonflower Eyes

2007-02-01T04:51:00.000-08:00

It was upon a moonlit night,

Upon a night, with the moon so round

You, who were mine of divine right,

Floated in the lap of this uncertain sound.

Your hair was smoke,

A shade darker than the velvet

That the night had wrapped.

You traced fairy lights in the night,

A long roughly carved out snake;

“The birds, the birds!” you screamed,

And you were right,

The fire was burning bright.

Your arms were spread

Like Aphrodite’s archway.

This misfit’s euphoria was bound

In your moonflower eyes.

Meyetir naam Abhilasha

2006-12-30T04:38:00.000-08:00

Mlan drishti te janlar baire takiye chilam,
Aakesher prekkhapot e,
sheet-grishmer lukochuri te motto hoye
meghera mekhechilo holud.

Mathar modhye
mridu golaye keu daklo,
"Tumi ashbe na?"
Aami chhute baire beriye dekhlam take
Godhulir aabcha aalo-aandhare,
Prosharito hoste aamar dike cheye dariye chilo.

Taar haath theke chhoto shindoorer kouto ta niye,
Takaalam taar chokher dike:
Godhulir aabcha aalo te
Maatal hashi heshe, shei drishti aatmoshomorpon korlo aamar kache
"Ei jibon e aar taar poreo..."
Protishrutir rokte raanga shei shindoor
Chhoriye dilam taar kopale.

Shomoi daariye chilo,
Godhulir aabcha aalote
Tar dehe dheu er moton mishe gelam.
Hothath kore mukh ghuriye,
Shei purono hashi heshe, ghaar heliye
She jigesh korlo amake,
"Aaj ki shondhya ashbe?"
Aami matha nere kichui bollam na.

2006-12-18T02:40:00.000-08:00

I

Please leave this strand of hair,
incase I never see you again
please don't take away the essence of that incense
that, which causes me to lose my mind.

I won't ask you not to leave today,
I will smile, I will wish you luck
I will stand and wave
as I watch your outline fade,
and I will pretend not to look.

Don't pain,
Whisper my words to yourself
deep in the night.

But you know what?
You are mine,
you were always mine...
you were always mine...

II

It is cold, the winter sun retreating
I watch the coconut tree beside my window,
It is your favourite sight,
and unknown to you, mine too.

There shall never be another
who will consume my mind, my subconscious
my love, and my heart.
For my love,
I'm quite dead without you.
And what is a rose to the dead?

The darkness falls my love,
the sky menstruates
I become playful and childlike.

I am in pain,
and this pain will cause my demise.
I just want you to know
that I loved you
true as true can be.

Remembering the Taxi Driver

2006-11-27T20:42:00.001-08:00

Talk Show Host
by Radiohead

I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon this surface for the birds
The birds
The birds

You want me?
Fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches
And nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

You want me?
Well come on and break the door down
You want me?
Fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready

2006-11-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

The Flight of Icarus

I took a little long to wake up
took a little longer to realize
the nascent strength of these dreams.

The heart remains as tender as before
but somehow brazen with time
feels no guilt, pain or love.

It is like, the soul is dying
and in the mind
there is only one desire.

My limbs are light,
they're defiant
I'm learning to fly
fearless, like fish in a freezing pond.

I am ruthless when it comes to my dream,
this desire to fly.

You laugh at me.
You say I can't,
you are only afraid,
it's alright, I understand
for I'm going to do things you could never imagine.
And the day I do...

You laugh at me.
You say I'll fall,
if I fly too high.
I laugh at you for there
is no hill too high to scale
no cloud too high to touch,
and in this sunless life
there is nothing
that can melt my wings.
And the day I do...

2006-09-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

9th september; the next couple of months are going to decide the person I'm going to be for the rest of my life, or so it seems.

There's tremendous pressure from all quarters of my present social circle...
Mom n Dad says if you don't get in St. Stephen's, there's no other way out for you. My teachers have given up hope on me, someone actually told my mom that it's too late for me to start studying.

Once you do something good, you unknowingly raise the expectations of the people around you too high. Not that I'm not capable of scoring a 94% in my boards; the point is, what's the point?
Haha...

What's the use of having a moderately good SAT score and a greater than moderate TOEFL score if I don't score high enough in my boards to get that scholarship I need: to study economics in Singapore?

Shrimoyee's scared of the possibility of me moving out of the country, so am I. But when you bury your fears in your heart for too long, things like these don't matter anymore. You just flow with the tide.

It's been a long time since I last reflected on my person. It's not something I'm very good at anymore, leading alternate lives throughout the day. So much of pretension ought to leave some mark behind. So basically I'm half the person I used to be.

Everytime you let yourself loose for a couple of days, life hits you back with such vengeance and ferocity, that it is probably difficult to find solid ground beneath your feet then.

I feel like blabbering on, but I just realised I have to study now.

Baraka

2006-09-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

Daybreak at Baraka
is the queerest sight I have ever seen,
as the skies blush
reddish in perspiration
from the passionate struggle between night and day.

Lending my ear to the fierce winds
I could almost hear primitive tribal chants
coming from far away,
celebrating the birth of light.

And as the womb of the sky
opened like lotus petals
I stood in praise of that ancient love:
the silent plea of the conquered
and the resolute reserve of the conqueror.

The wind silently screamed
"Thank you our lord
for blessing us with light, love and life"

2006-08-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wish I didn't understand how things happened. I wish I were not me, but a floating soul, unpossessed by knowledge or the love that binds the soul to the body. Sometimes I wish I were a child once again.

When you're lying to yourself, you know that this illusion that is life is shattering like glass. Who threw the stone? Nobody knows...

Hours fly by, hardly leaving an impression on you...

Windows Media Player wails a sad song 'Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913...'

I wonder how people kill their own children.

I refuse to compromise, I refuse to understand, this is not my place to be.

I want to run away, from all of this. I am scared because love ties me down. So the question is, how do you get rid of love? Ironic, considering most people want to fall in love atleast once in their lifetime.

Shrimoyee is well, I love her, and couldn't probably stop doing so. I know, even if I run away, I'll somehow take her away with me.

So here we are, two intermingled souls, afraid of life as it is, and utterly tired of it... waiting for their chance to escape, and build a probably brighter life.

But life is never bright is it? Illusions are never bright, they are always vague, misleading, enticing and seducing, so like blind mice men run after the happiness that illusion promises. And happiness is like the fading horizon, the more you run towards it, the more it fades away.

'As they took his soul, they stole his pride,
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow.'

Such intolerable pain, such jarring, moving, pain hammering on my heart, and it is all mine. Cigarettes are anaesthetics, if you smoke one after too long, you feel so numb that nothing matters anymore. It doesn't help that I don't smoke pot anymore, atleast it brought a smile to my face.

Other things bring a smile to my face too, like the look that Shrim gets when she has the wind in her face.

But all that seems like the antiquities of yesteryear's delights now, happiness is so stale. I haven't been truly happy in my life for so long. At one point, I realized I was too depressed to be of any good to myself, so I forced a smile everytime I felt that my nerves were going weak. I ought to be a counselor's first love.

Reflections

2006-06-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

Status: High.
Intellect: High.
Body: Flying.

Feel like criticising...

The instant-pencil-sketch booth at Forum has only one artist it can emulate, the pricks didn't even bother to buy the software for the other artistic greats, Rembrandt, Raphael etc etc

The prometric testing centre at Lansdowne should make a rule of not having especially hot and physically inviting women, atleast during testing. Careless students end up typing 'boob' instead of 'bribe'.

God should be more considerate, the heat in Calcutta is just getting too much to bear with.

People resembling earthworms, slugs, and alligators should not be allowed inside Forum.

Gay people with heavy make-up should not be allowed inside Forum.

Children ought to know that parents don't 'pray to God' for children.

Dogs shouldn't jump up and sniff at crotches.

Thursday shouldn't be a dry day in Calcutta, instead of having one every week there should be one every ten years, I bet that is reasonable.

Guys shouldn't stare at my Girlfriend as if she were a pair of breasts.(Infact they shouldn't stare at all, or even look..hmmph!)

People should listen to classy music, and Cafe Coffee Day shouldn't play Canary crap like "Dancing Queen" by ABBA.

The government must introduce a law that makes it compulsory for every Indian citizen to listen to The Doors and Radiohead.

Cafe Coffee Day should have more of Radiohead than Himesh Reshamiya.

The government of India must make listening to Himesh Reshamiya a capital offence.

The local chronic wannabe dickheads who call themselves 'Kryptic' must realize soon that they don't understand the fucking W of Music.

People should understand the subtle sarcasm I used in my previous statement...M--->W(inverted)...means they don't recognize music even right side up, hanging infront of their faces.

I should remember some other things to whine about...

Garble Garble...
Hmmm, what's that noise inside my head?

Snippet

2006-05-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

Breathe, Breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
(Pink Floyd, Breathe)

Paranoid Android

2006-05-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

Mental note to myself: TOEFL exams on the 15th of June...you are screwed!

The weather's amazing. Dark skies, short rainy spells, weak-cool breeze...Calcutta at its best, well, maybe not the best, I'm still hopeful about the monsoons. I need a full-fledged storm to rage across the city, that would be lovely 'nt it?

Inner Turbulence

2006-05-19T01:48:00.000-07:00

May 19th, 2006.
A sharp humming near my ears, and the consequent vibration of the pillow which I lay my head on, woke me up from my sleep. My hands scurried round searching for my cell-phone, finally they found it. Eyes still closed, I pressed the 'answer call' button almost on an impulse, "Hi...". I knew who it would be. "Hello?", a stern and loud voice answered from the other end of the phone. "Hi Vikruti...", I said. "Yeah hi..", she said in a very matter of fact tone. I wished she were not so indifferent always, it would have been awfully nice if she let some of her emotions show some of the times, so that my insecurities about her could be cooled to some extent. We had what we called our morning chat for a pretty long time today, considering how less we talk on the other days. She amazes me by her amazing capability of keeping her voice straight even when she is talking to me, no mushy "h-aay"s or anything, just a short "Hello?", it's always a question, even though I start the conversation first, as if she doubts my presence on the phone.
I don't know why I am crazy about her, I usually am not crazy about girls, and sincerely believe that girls are very secondary and insignificant in one's life. But from when I met her, she completely changed my opinion about that.

Sometimes I wish love was not as complicated a thing as it was, and people exposed more of their real selves.

Still, my day feels empty without that phone call in the morning. And surprisingly, my days are much shorter now, there's never enough time to do the things I want. It wasn't always this way.

I met Vikruti at a tutorial. I thought it was love at first sight, but then I came to know her better, or I thought so... My feelings for her deepened with every passing day, though she tried to push me away from her. The more she did that, the more I felt attracted towards her. Vikruti was one of a kind, never talked more than necessary, she had no small talk. So it was infinitely difficult for me to get her to talk on a topic she liked, for it seemed, she liked none. She was one of those people who want to be left alone. And the more I tried to pry into her life, the more she moved away from me. It was hard for me in the beginning, but then I got used to her. I tried to be there whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on, thinking she would trust me more. But she couldn't trust anybody. Infact there are parts of her I can only wildly guess at, most of the times she's incomprehensible. I think she's suffering from some deep depression. And I also know, that these few months I have left till my boards are my last with her, she would never let me deeper in her life.

On the other hand, there's Selene, the girl who had been there beside me since I knew her. She is the biggest pillar in my life, and I cannot imagine my life with her. I know she loves me like crazy, and would do anything for me. I prefer spending my time with Selene than Vikruti, because she's more of emotionally comforting, and I feel spiritually refreshened after everytime we meet up. I love her. But is it possible for a person to love two people at the same time? Maybe it is , but then Vikruti was a dream, not meant to be translated into reality. And all the trouble started from when she told me that she loved me too.

Initially I was overwhelmed by that, but then I realised she says so only because I am the only support in her life, and she can't afford to lose me. I wasn't meant to be a doormat or a pillar of support for anyone, I know it that she can never love me for what I am, and that pains me. But my only consolation is that, I never expected her to be mine. It only hurts when you expect.

Selene...she is everything a guy could evr want. She is beautiful, sweet, understanding and compromising. She is a perfect example of a perfect life partner. I knew it from the start that I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. But if she's so perfect why am I attracted to Vikruti. Maybe it's human nature, the attraction towards things you know you can't have.

So basically my life is a mess. My academics are on a slow roll from worse to worst. I am destroying my life, I am aware of that. But there's nothing I can do to help it. And love is not the only reason. It's me. I cannot deal with myself any more... one part of me wants to be a failure, and another part of me wants to be a shining success. So there is a conflict of thoughts, and my life goes tangentially towards failure. My self confidence lost... I cannot relate with my activities, my life anymore. It is as if, someone else is leading my life, and the only time I am myself is when I am high, which is too much of a price to pay for being myself. I am going insane, I can feel it.

Introduction

2006-05-19T01:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I welcome you to an online, text based version of my life;

This blog, is mostly based on my life, however there are times when fiction takes over from fact. Sometimes fact might seem stranger than fiction, but isn't that what life is all about? Basically, this blog and what I post in it is the mix of the life I lead now, and the life I would have liked to lead. Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

I hope you enjoy the read. Please send me feedbacks on it at mave_rick_b@yahoo.com.

-Raunak.