Inner Turbulence

May 19th, 2006.
A sharp humming near my ears, and the consequent vibration of the pillow which I lay my head on, woke me up from my sleep. My hands scurried round searching for my cell-phone, finally they found it. Eyes still closed, I pressed the 'answer call' button almost on an impulse, "Hi...". I knew who it would be. "Hello?", a stern and loud voice answered from the other end of the phone. "Hi Vikruti...", I said. "Yeah hi..", she said in a very matter of fact tone. I wished she were not so indifferent always, it would have been awfully nice if she let some of her emotions show some of the times, so that my insecurities about her could be cooled to some extent. We had what we called our morning chat for a pretty long time today, considering how less we talk on the other days. She amazes me by her amazing capability of keeping her voice straight even when she is talking to me, no mushy "h-aay"s or anything, just a short "Hello?", it's always a question, even though I start the conversation first, as if she doubts my presence on the phone.
I don't know why I am crazy about her, I usually am not crazy about girls, and sincerely believe that girls are very secondary and insignificant in one's life. But from when I met her, she completely changed my opinion about that.

Sometimes I wish love was not as complicated a thing as it was, and people exposed more of their real selves.

Still, my day feels empty without that phone call in the morning. And surprisingly, my days are much shorter now, there's never enough time to do the things I want. It wasn't always this way.

I met Vikruti at a tutorial. I thought it was love at first sight, but then I came to know her better, or I thought so... My feelings for her deepened with every passing day, though she tried to push me away from her. The more she did that, the more I felt attracted towards her. Vikruti was one of a kind, never talked more than necessary, she had no small talk. So it was infinitely difficult for me to get her to talk on a topic she liked, for it seemed, she liked none. She was one of those people who want to be left alone. And the more I tried to pry into her life, the more she moved away from me. It was hard for me in the beginning, but then I got used to her. I tried to be there whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on, thinking she would trust me more. But she couldn't trust anybody. Infact there are parts of her I can only wildly guess at, most of the times she's incomprehensible. I think she's suffering from some deep depression. And I also know, that these few months I have left till my boards are my last with her, she would never let me deeper in her life.

On the other hand, there's Selene, the girl who had been there beside me since I knew her. She is the biggest pillar in my life, and I cannot imagine my life with her. I know she loves me like crazy, and would do anything for me. I prefer spending my time with Selene than Vikruti, because she's more of emotionally comforting, and I feel spiritually refreshened after everytime we meet up. I love her. But is it possible for a person to love two people at the same time? Maybe it is , but then Vikruti was a dream, not meant to be translated into reality. And all the trouble started from when she told me that she loved me too.

Initially I was overwhelmed by that, but then I realised she says so only because I am the only support in her life, and she can't afford to lose me. I wasn't meant to be a doormat or a pillar of support for anyone, I know it that she can never love me for what I am, and that pains me. But my only consolation is that, I never expected her to be mine. It only hurts when you expect.

Selene...she is everything a guy could evr want. She is beautiful, sweet, understanding and compromising. She is a perfect example of a perfect life partner. I knew it from the start that I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. But if she's so perfect why am I attracted to Vikruti. Maybe it's human nature, the attraction towards things you know you can't have.

So basically my life is a mess. My academics are on a slow roll from worse to worst. I am destroying my life, I am aware of that. But there's nothing I can do to help it. And love is not the only reason. It's me. I cannot deal with myself any more... one part of me wants to be a failure, and another part of me wants to be a shining success. So there is a conflict of thoughts, and my life goes tangentially towards failure. My self confidence lost... I cannot relate with my activities, my life anymore. It is as if, someone else is leading my life, and the only time I am myself is when I am high, which is too much of a price to pay for being myself. I am going insane, I can feel it.